With your smiling happy face

bananapantsmcgee asked: I love this blog. :) You are so inspiring. I'm glad someone has finally convinced you that you are truly an AMAZING WOMAN and you do rock you should be happy about it! Tell that mean lady in your head to shove it cuz there's a new sheriff in town, and he's got his nice pants on.
Here's my question: Do you think now with all of the hot room sessions Bonnaroo will be easier?

HI SWEET GIRL!!
Thank you so much. It’s been a journey, that’s forsure. Still working on that mean voice in my head, she rears her ugly head at times but I’m WAY more equipt to deal with that bitch now. ;) I feel strong and so full of life and energy….it’s fantastic.
The answer to your question is YES! It was so much easier to deal with the heat this year at Waka after doing Bikram for a year. My body is much more acclimated to heat now and I sweat like a crazy person…but since my body is so clean my sweat isn’t stinky at all…kinda cool. On the flip side though, I freeze now when I go into a restaraunt or grocery store. I feel like my Granny…always having to have a sweater with me, even in the summer. heh
I love you so so so much. Can’t wait to do yoga with your sweet face.

xo-b

Who says Bikram Yogis don’t know how to party!?!  Yesterday evening as we were all scurrying around the hot tent, drinking our last sips of water, pulling our hair back, chatting with friends, etc…we looked up to the podium and noticed our fearless leader, Dom, getting ready to teach Friday night class! The room went wild, energy went thru the roof!  We all have been really anticipating Doms class.  He has such a fantastic personality….very charismatic, always smiling and poking fun.  Love it.  SO, we were definitely excited to see him up there.  The class was solid for sure.  I noticed that he held some postures a bit longer, but since the room wasn’t an absolute inferno at the time, the longer hold times were actually welcomed (especially after being so loose from Nikki’s awesome morning class)  Dom held us in camel an extra….I dunno….maybe 10 seconds or so.  LOVED IT!  One thing that stuck out to me, especially since the dialogue is my life right now, is that Dom didn’t really have a ton of dialogue going on.  Don’t get me wrong, the important stuff was there for sure, but, it certainly wasn’t one of those purist dialogue classes.  However, what was there was super good energy!  You could hear the excitement in Dom’s voice and his love for the Yoga was shining through.  It’s really very reassuring to me as a teacher trainee because it just goes to show that even if you can’t recall exact dialogue, you can teach a kick ass, fun, exciting class. After final spinal the yogis started going crazy beating on the floor and cheering for Dom.  He had the biggest cheesy grin on his face, I can’t even imagine how fantastic it must feel to be up on that podium teaching not only all the trainees, but, your fellow staff.  :)  So, Dom got us into Savasana, they turned the lights off and then it happened…..they cranked up the stereo and Michael Jackson’s, “Don’t Stop ‘till you Get Enough” came on!!  Everyone started clapping and I turned to Karen next to me and said….”We really need to get up and dance!”  About that time I look over and see people on the other side of the room hopping up and dancing on their mats.  I hopped up and within a few seconds nearly everyone was up and booging on their mats.  They cranked it up to 11 and we all danced our sweaty little asses off! Just goes to show you that even when you think you’ve given everything you’ve got….you’ve still got a little more!  Flashbulbs were going off everywhere!  The energy was like nothing I’ve ever witnesses.  Sweat was flinging everywhere, people were screaming and singing and shakin’ dey asses!!  This week has been quite emotional for many of us and we needed this release more than anybody knew.  I don’t think there’s anyway to adequately explain how it felt…you kind of had to have been here for the whole week….and especially for the 90 minute class to understand the crazy release of energy, emotion and love that was in that room.  It was so amazing to get a chance to just let go with our new friends who, up until now, we’ve really not had the chance to do that with.  I’ll never ever ever forget how it felt to dance around on my squishy sweaty yoga mat.  :)  Toward the end some of my fellow yogis came dancing by in a conga line and I joined in.  Ahhhhh, you’ve just GOT to love a M.J. Dance Party Savasana. 

Thank. you. Dom! We love you!

Hey Guys!  Sorry it’s been forever since I’ve last posted here.  I think about things I want to post and then it seems like when I have the time, I go blank.

A few of you have been curious about how I’m doing in the hot room.  The Monday of week three, which happened to be my birthday, was kind of like a re-birth for me in respect to my body.  I’ve been feeling so strong in my classes since then, I’m actually really  proud how it’s all coming together.  Granted, there are extremely hot days where my mind starts going back to that same ole’ internal dialogue of “I’VE JUST GOT TO GET OUT OF HERE, IT’S TOO HOT!!!”  But, I’m learning how to self sooth, calm my mind, go back to my breath and (here’s the big one) really trust that I. CAN. DO. THIS!  hehe  That’s truly been a huge breakthrough for me, just knowing, really really know and believing that I can do it, I’m meant to do this.  This morning’s class was so incredible.  Nikki, a good friend of Jodi’s, taught us this morning.  She was such a perfect example of how they tell us “Smile while you teach, although your students can’t see it, they CAN hear it”  She had such an amazing smile all thru class and it provoked me to do the same.  I felt like she was teaching the class just for me.  The beauty of a teacher like that is, I’m sure most of us felt the same way.  At one point Nikki said “Here at Teacher Training you are SO aware of how bad you are, you just really know it.  But what you don’t know is how GOOD you are.  You are SO good!  And I love my job because I get to tell people just how good they really are”  Even now, typing that out, I get cold chills.  It just really struck a chord with me because just in the past few days I’ve been at the tip of that iceberg.  Although I’ve been feeling really strong in my classes, I haven’t felt near as solid with posture clinics and dialogue.  I deliver my dialogue and still just feel incredibly nervous.  People tell me that they can’t tell I’m nervous, and I always get good feedback, but I feel so frustrated because the nerves aren’t going away and I feel like the teachers aren’t really giving me productive feedback because they aren’t getting a real grasp of who I am.  I stayed after class yesterday and spoke with my teacher about it.  I just felt really comfortable with her and decided, “what the hell”.  She was so nice and understanding.  I told her how frustrated I felt because I felt stagnant and that I wasn’t moving forward.  I feel like I’m just kind of in the middle and that the people who are rockstars, and who blow it….those are the people the teachers spend most of the time correcting.  The one thing she said that really resonated with me was that it just broke her heart to see someone like me, feeling like I was feeling.  She said that my love *was* coming through my dialogue and she thought I was going to be incredible.  She said that I just need to come to the point where I know that too.  SO, that, coupled with what Nikki said in class this morning really hit home.  Somehow, someway, I need to see myself for what I really am, instead of listening to all the self doubt and negative dialogue in my head.  I am my own worst critic, that’s for sure.

So, that being said, from now on my NEW internal dialogue….my new mantra is: I AM good, and I AM going to be a fantastic teacher because I love it and it shows!

In our second class of TT Rajashree recommended that no matter how much Bikram yelled at us to do otherwise, to take it easy for the first two weeks.  At the time that seemed so far off but here we are, the first class of week 3 begins tomorrow.  The last bit of last week was a bit shaky.  Evidently I overextended something in my left leg called an “IT Band”  (???)  Basically, my left hip was on fire, a strip down my left thigh was contracting and causing some muscle spasms and my knee, well, let’s just say it wasn’t happy with me at all.  A good friend offered her massaging services on evening and I kept ice on it as much as possible.  For a few days I was very easy on the knee, especially during the standing series when I was balancing on that leg only.  Finally, Saturday morning I woke up and the constriction I was feeling in that knee had all but disappeared and now, by Sunday, I feel completely back to normal (in regard to that).  Thank goodness….I was beginning to worry.  After all, Bikram tells us that we can mess with the Gods, but never mess with your knees.

We had some amazing teachers last week.  We were lucky enough to have Emmy Cleaves here with us for an entire week.  They told us it’s the longest she’s ever stayed at a TT and I’m so grateful.  She was amazing, beautiful, powerful, insightful, gentle and ass kicking all at the same time.  You really just could feel her power when standing next to her.  In fact, I believe it was my desire to do exactly what she told us to do in triangle that cranked my knee up.  heh  Without yelling, Emmy could get you to work your body and mind in ways nobody else has ever done for me.  I’m going to miss her like crazy.  (But, she’ll be back toward the end of training)  Another memorable teacher was Ann.  She was from Trinidad (I believe) but teaches at headquarters.  Her energy was just contagious.  She must have been channeling Bikram because the woman didn’t shut up the entire class.  I was beginning to think she had gills to breath from.  ;)  LOVE LOVE LOVED her class and worked so hard for her but at the same time she kept us feeling lighthearted.  THAT is what I want my classes to feel like.  I want people to kill themselves AND laugh at themselves at the same time.  Something about laughing just makes you forget about the pain…not to mention the fact that it’s pretty much impossible to hang onto any ego while your cracking up at yourself.  :) 
Tomorrow is my birthday.  I don’t really have much to say about that except for….well, nothing really.  lol  I have kind of adopted this feeling of selflessness here.  I feel like the questions I ask in posture clinics, the studying I do of the dialogue, the information I’m soaking in, the hard work in the hot room….it’s all for my future students.  Without meaning to, I’ve completely turned my head around on all of it.  I mean, of course I’m here for me, but, deeper than that, I’m here to learn how to help others.  I’ve stopped wondering about postures in respect to my body, but in respect to those I’m going to come into contact with. I don’t worry nearly as much how to keep my strong feet together at the line, I wonder how to help someone with not so strong feet, keep them together at the line.  I’m not so worried about how to get my limber hips down and forward toward the mirror, I wonder how to help someone who’s had an injury get their hips down.   It’s really a great mindset because it’s just opened my mind to a million different possibilities.  I hope that makes sense to you all…but if not, that’s okay, it makes sense to me.  :) I can not WAIT to teach my first class at BYL.

The grounds here at the Town and Country are FABULOUS….which is nice because I rarely have time to leave them.  There are about 45 acres of accommodation.  The lush vegetation is gorgeous and extremely well manicured.  I think I’ve said it before somewhere but the rose buses that are EVERYWHERE lift my spirits anytime I’m walking to and from my room.  The staff here is SO friendly and couldn’t be more eager to please.  Today the housekeeper thanked me for the thank you note I left her  :)  heh.   In the same regard, our Bikram staff is fantastic and I really don’t know how they do it all.  It’s a labor of love for sure.  Dom keeps us laughing even when he’s getting onto us about something.  I think we must be taking very good care of him as well because the other day he publicly asked us to lay off the gifts of chocolates we’ve been giving….and that he’s had to put himself on a diet because of it all. heh  Too good is no good I suppose. 

Last….Thursday night (I believe) we had a surprise guest at our lecture.  I’m sure I’ll slaughter his name, but, Bikram’s longtime friend, Boppi, visited us.  He is the number one singer in India and was SUCH a badass.  He came up on stage and he and Bikram told some stories of the old days.  He’s the one who’s produced Bikrmas CDs.  He sang us a few songs and it lifted all of our spirits.  He wanted to show us his video but the DVD player was giving them fits so they just played the song.  Immediately Yogis started jumping up onto their seats and we had an instant Disco Dance Party in the lecture tent.  It was priceless!!  (I urge you all to youtube it, I bet there are already some videos out there) For that moment in time we were all able to let go and just have fun!  Bikram threw off his shoes and got up on stage and danced with us all.  (He’s a pretty damn good dancer too!)  We rocked that tent….even if only for 5 mins.  I’d love to find a copy of Boppi’s CD that had just been released that day in L.A.  I think it was called Peace Love and Harmony.  ?  I need to look into that.  After the disco dance party we started yet another Bollywood movie that lasted until 3am.  To be honest, the movies that I’ve heard so much about really aren’t that bad.  The issue for me is that they are playing at such late hours, and they are all in subtitles and by that time, and after all the yoga and dialogue work, my brain is dysfunctional.  I’ll be honest, after about 1/4 of this last movie I slid down onto the floor, propped my head against my bag and slept like nobodies business.  heh  It felt so good.  Thus far I’ve stayed up for all the movies, I didn’t feel one bit bad for sneaking a nap in on this one. 

Well, Sunday evening is quickly coming to an end.  I need to make a large batch of brown rice and steamed veggies for my week.  Fill the cooler with ice.  Get my yoga togs ready to go, study dialogue and then I plan to go out for a nice sit down dinner with some friends before we begin week three.  I’ve learned that prepping on the weekend, for the week, is the key for me. 

xo-b

ps-Just wanted to shout out to my girlies, Kimbo, Heather and Jen!  I am so thankful to you ladies.  It’s awesome how we became such fast friends.  Dunno what I’d do without your support.  xo

ddb18 asked: Nothing to ask...just wanted you to know that I'm thinking about you and hope you continue to enjoy your experience with Bikram. I can't wait to hear all the stories about this adventure when you get back. Take care.
Dana

Hey Dana!  Thanks so much.  It feels incredibly good knowing you guys are thinking about me and rooting for me.  Bikram is fantastic and hilarious, can’t wait to tell you some stories!

Nearly done with week two and I’m feeling really good.  My only wish is that there were more hours in the day…but, who am I kidding, if there were, they’d probably have us doing 3 hot classes a day.  ;)   The pace has really stepped up this week.  We are FINALLY done with Half Moon (thank goodness) and tonight were broken up into smaller groups.  (Go group 7!)  We started on Back Bending and Pada Hastasana tonight and I already delivered my dialogue.  I kind of fumbled a bit, switching two paragraphs but overall it went well. I got good feedback….I was told that the students would happily do what I said because I was smiling so much.  :)  YAY!  Honestly though, I was a nervous wreck inside.  I don’t think it was too terribly obvious but I really hope I can get over that and SOON!  Anyone have any tips on how to not be nervous with public speaking?  Speak up! 

So far my body is holding up fairly well.  I have this weird thing going on in my hip that hurts like hell….but I’m not scared.  ;)  I seem to be acclimating to practicing with 400 other yogis….actually able to concentrate and meditate now.  At TT instead of concentrating on yourself in the mirror you have to find something else to concentrate on.  The back of someone’s head, their butt, a freckle on someones back, etc.  It’s kinda funny….and more challenging.  I have also gotten a better grip on my diet here.  It’s so crazy how different my eating has become.  I’m sure I was told this before I got here, but, you just have to leave all your “normals” at the door when you come here because everything changes and you just have to roll with it.  Figure out what your new “normals” are but don’t even hold onto those too tightly because after the next class, those might change as well.  My new mantra has become “Stay calm and carry on”. 

The down low is….I have no time during the week.  And they say week one and two are easy.  Sheeeez!  Basically, they work it out so we have *just* enough time here to eat, pee and take care of our immediate issues in between classes and lectures. 

So far classes have been really great.  It’s so cool as a newish Bikram Yogi….it’s like being in the presence of Bikram Royalty every day…twice a day.  ;)  First day we had only one class…night class and it was naturally led by Bikram.  He was very gentle and funny as hell. The room was mild.  Class was about 2 hours, but went over mostly due to him telling stories.  Next morning Rajashree led our class.  She was so kind to us all.  She told us to take it easy for first two weeks, no matter how much Bikram yelled at us.  heh  Her class was about 90 mins. Rich from….Bancock (I think) led the next morning class.  His dialoge was spot on.  Way more what i’m used to.  I enjoyed the familiarity of it and thought a lot about my family at BYL.  Realized that while I’m taking morning class, they are doing their noon practice.  I love that.  I feel like everyone is sending me their strength and good vibes.  KEEP IT COMING YOGA FAMILY!  Next class was Bikram again.  This time, he showed more of his true colors.  I’m just so glad I wasn’t “Girl in blue and yellow”  heh  Seems to me that if you screw up, and he corrects you once in class.  He keeps his eye on you the whooole class.  So, I’ve decided, no screwing up.  heh  Next class was…..Brandy Lynn, the current champion.  Without trying to sound too cheesy, her class was as inspiring to me as she is gorgeous and bendy.  I ran right back to the room to journal a bunch of what she said.  She had awesome dialogue, but in between postures gave us so much other stuff to chew on.  I LOOOVED it.  I went into her class this morning really tired and hurting for first time and dreading class.  I left exhilarated, inspired and wiiide awake.  What more could you ask for?  One quick tidbit….”Sometimes you have to break a little, to let your light out”  Loved that one.  OH, other one was her quoting Emmy Cleaves…”You don’t have any idea what your best is”  (There’s more to that one, but I’m so crunched for time now I’ll just leave that to remind me to tell the whole story)  This evenings class was led by Jim.  WOW!  Really loved him and can’t wait to have more of his classes. 

One more quick thing I want to add is just how freaking lucky I feel to have been prepared for this experience so well by Jodi and Isaac.  Every day.  Every hour.  I am reminded of this. I feel so much more prepared for every aspect because of them.  I owe them so much.  Thanks guys.  I know I say it every time I write you, but, it’s whats on my mind.

Ok, off to lecture. 

xoxoxoxox

That’s right folks, in 3 days I’ll be boarding a plane to San Diego.  This last week is absolutely FLYING by. I have so much to do before leaving…I feel pulled in a thousand directions.  I haven’t practiced yoga once this week yet, and only practiced twice last.  I’m beginning to really worry that when I get there I’m going to absolutely die in the hot room.  Not only that, my body and mind are craving a good sweat.  BUT, there are so many things to be done….in 3 days, I’ll get more yoga than I know what to do with, so, I’m not too terribly concerned about that.  Learning more dialogue has been top on my list….well….actually, it’s just under spending time with Kelly and Vivian. 

Today I got my webcam set up and skype all installed.  Vivian was really starting to get anxious about it…she’s asked me everyday for a week, “Mom, have you gotten the camera set up yet?!”  She’s really looking forward to being able to video call me….as am I.  :)  I can’t wait to give it a test run with her tomorrow.  She’s gonna dig it the most. 

I haven’t actually packed yet, but, I have been throwing things in a big pile on the guest bed.  I plan to do all that on Thursday or Friday.  I’m planning on taking one fairly large suitcase and the largest carry-on I can get by with. Hope I can cram it all in there.  Fingers and toes crossed for that one.

Reality has finally set in though and all that excitement has turned into some nervousness.  I’ve never done anything even remotely like this.  Never really traveled alone.  Never been away from home for so long.  This is going to be one gigantic adventure….I do love an adventure.  I can’t imagine how empowering this is going to feel…once it’s all over. 

Ok…I’m procrastinating here.  Must. learn. more. dialogue. 

G’night friends.  xoxo

For those of you asking how to comment on my blog…here it is!  Up on the right top side of the blog there’s a “Ask me Anything” button.  If you leave your comment there it will post on my blog for all to see.  :)